I once had a date with a woman. Yup, it is true but not like it sounds and exactly like it sounds at the same time, if that makes any sense. When I was in my late teens and early 20's I was quite the fag hag (for lack of a prettier term). I had several close friends that were gay males. We would go to the gay bars on the weekends and drink Zombies and Long Island Ice Teas (this is probably why I don't drink at all anymore). This was when we foolishly thought the object of the game was to get a "buzz" as soon as possible so we could start having "fun' aka acting really stupid and being to drunk to care. I was out with my usual group when we met up with someones current boyfriend and his group of friends which happened to include another girl. She was introduced to me as Twinkie. One thing about my group of friends was that it included very few females at that time so I wasn't use to another female in the group. I didn't know if she was straight or gay. It wouldn't have been surprising to me if she was either but I just didn't know how to react. I hate admit it but when I did get hit on in the gay bars in those days, it was by the men. Yes, folks, some gay men really do like women too. I didn't take them up on it but I did find it kinda flattering , at least most of the time. Now when I did get hit on by women, it wasn't at all like being hit on by the men. I seemed to attract the pushy macho women that were just sure they could convert me. I hate overtly macho men and found it just as distasteful in women. I once had a women try to pick me up by doing Rodney Dangerfield impressions. I'm not kidding, I just wish that I were. I had another woman insist that I couldn't know that I wasn't gay until I had given it try. I informed her that I was 100% sure, no doubt in my mind. She ltterly backed me into a corner till I got so nervous that I dropped my drink. I am not saying that all gay women are this pushy or come on this strong, I am just saying the ones that I attracted in those days did. To be fair and as my story will illustrate (yes, I'm really getting to it, I promise), I often don't notice when more subtle hints and downplayed romantic gestures are tried on me. I even do this with men. I have had friends tell me several times, "Hey, that guy really liked you. He was totally trying to ask you out.", etc. Maybe it was low self esteem (I was always having one of those,"I'm too fat to be attractive" kinda days back then) but whatever you blame it on, it is entirely possible that some women did try to pick me up, nicely and in a not in your face kinda way and I totally missed it. Or maybe they didn't and I truly do only attract the macho ones?!?
So the group of us ended up at one of our favorite gay bars that was mostly male. I was already starting to get a little drunk and was nursing my drink while standing overlooking the dance floor. Twinkie comes to stand next to me and she says, "Wow! that guy is really hot!" and gestures to a really attractive guy on the dance floor. I replied that he was indeed and that this was my favorite club for reason just like him! She laughed and I hate to admit it but I relaxed a little. I decided that she was like me, a straight woman who had a few gay male friends that she liked to hang out with and who realized that (back in those days before old spice made facial moisturizer for men) gay men took better care of themselves and went to Gay Church (aka the gym) more than most straight men did. We had a great night dancing and checking out the men. She even bought me a drink or two and I saw nothing wrong with that. My female friends and I do that all of the time. I started calling her different dessert products, cupcake, fruit tart, even Ho Ho. To say I was pretty drunk is an understatement. She laughed each time and finally said, "You know I haven't had this much fun in awhile. We should go out again sometime?" "Oh! We should!" I told her. She asked me if I had been to the new Hard Rock Cafe downtown.
I told her I had but it had been with a guy that I had just broken up with because he was 15 years older than me and kinda boring. I even went on to say that I am sure that I would enjoy it allot more with someone as fun as her (yep, I really said that and didn't think there was anything wrong with it at the time). So we decided to go to dinner next weekend and maybe a club or movie after depending on what was playing at the theater next to the restaurant. I know to say I was a bit clueless is an understatement. So later that evening my friend Eric tells me that he has to talk to me so we head to the bathroom. If you haven't been to a gay club let me explain the bathrooms to you, even though there are men's and women's restrooms, the sign on the door designated which is which usually means nothing. You can have both sexes in either one. So Eric and I were standing in the restroom and he turns to me with a very concerned expression on his face and asks me if I had made a date with Twinkie. I actually laughed at him and tried to tell him in my drunken logic that it wasn't like he thought, that she was like me, she was checking out the men, she was just wanting to go out as friends. He gave me the most "oh you poor naive thing" look. And then I realized that I had just made a date with a woman and that I had probably lead her on, unknowingly but I had just the same. I put my hands over my mouth and said, "Oh no!". Eric laughed and patted me on my arm and said, "Don't worry about it Anna. I will take care of it for you." I still don't know what he told her, maybe that his friend was just totally clueless and drunk of her butt but he did indeed take care of it for me and I didn't have to go explain with drunken awkwardness that I didn't want to go out on a date with her, I just wanted to be friends. So there you have it, how I almost went on a date with a woman.
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