You know I have felt really beautiful at 230 pounds and a size 22 and I have felt really fat and unattractive in a size 6 and a hundred and 145 pounds. I finally realized that it isn't the number on the scale or on the clothing label, it is how you feel about yourself. Surprisingly enough, I felt best about myself when I was around people that accepted me for who I was (am) and worst about myself when I was trying to live up to an image that I thought would please other people. Many years ago, I went to a support group for post op weight loss surgery patients, to learn what life was like after having surgery.
One of the women there looked like she weighed about 300 pounds. She talked about having lost down to a "normal" weight after having been overweight (500 pounds plus at one point) all of her life. She said, "When I was fat and I didn't fit in, the guy didn't like me, I couldn't make friends, get the job, etc, I always blamed my weight. Then she had weight loss surgery because she her diabetes was so out of control and she lost down to 190 something pounds. She said that she found that she still didn't fit in, the guy still didn't like her, she still found it hard to make friends, and couldn't get the job but now she had nothing to blame for it on but herself. She said the surgery had taken away from her the one thing that made her happy...food and eating. She dumped on sugar after her surgery so she admitted to sitting on the toilet and eating ice cream.
I was so shocked and sickened by her story but it made me realize something about myself too. I had always told myself how much better my life would be if I was just the right size, the right weight, etc. Just like that woman had. She had changed her appearance but she hadn't changed who she was. She had expected all of her problems to magically go away along with the pounds and when they hadn't, she became disillusioned and decided it was easier to go back to her former self rather than deal with the issues that the fat was only covering up.
My mother once said to me, "Once you figure out what the weight is doing for you and decide that you don't need it anymore, then you will be able to let it go." At the time I thought she was crazy. Was she saying that I choose to be fat?!? Was she saying that one morning I could just wake up and say, "Hum, self, you know what, I don't think I need to carry around this stifling extra 100 pounds anymore." and magically it would just fall away? Well not exactly but not too far from the truth either.
Since I have lost the 100 pounds, I have realized that it did serve a purpose, and no it wasn't just to keep me warm either. When I was 100 pounds heavier I felt stronger, I didn't expect men to hit on me which in away made me feel more comfortable with them, I felt I could blend in with the background (funny the smaller I have gotten the more noticeable I feel), people would get out of my way, and if someone complemented me..it felt more genuine (maybe I was telling myself that my make up/dress/hair/whatever must really look good if they noticed it instead of my weight).
Now I don't want to sound like one of those celebrities that complains how hard it is to be so rich and famous..Am I glad that I have lost that 100+ pounds...HECK YEAH! Has my life gotten easier? In certain ways but it has gotten harder in certain ways too. It is easy to be happy when the weight is falling off and everyday it seems like someone (or even several people) tell you how great you look, how much you are loosing, etc. But eventually you reach your goal or the weight loss slows (and eventually stops) and you have to start working at maintaining or even at having to loose the last weight to get to goal. The praise stops too. The fear of regain shows up along with the pressure to prove to the naysayers out there (unfortunately there is almost always going to be a few that you will come in contact with) that you can keep the weight off.
If you are like me and are very open about having had wls then it can be easier and it can be harder too. I know it is easier to turn down snacks and treats at work because I know that they (especially being health care professionals) know that a post wls patient really shouldn't be eating a double chocolate cupcake. It is harder too because they want to pull you out of their hat so to speak when they have a patient/colleague/coworker/friend/family member, etc. that has questions about/is having issues with/ or is considering having wls. It is hard because, you want to be honest and you want to set a good example at the same time.
If you read this blog regularly then you know I do cheat every now and again, and I usually pay for it. I have certain rules how ever that I never break;
1. I don't do rice..ever. My surgeon said he had had people die from eating rice and that was all I needed to hear.
2. I don't drink with my meals. I also don't drink 30 minutes before and thirty minutes after. Yes, it is hard especially since I am breastfeeding.
3. I don't buy bread or potatoes anymore.
4. I have come to realize there are certain foods that I cannot be trusted with, even in sugar free or low fat versions, and shouldn't buy except in single serving sizes. Ice Cream is one of these foods.
5. If I mess up with one meal, one item, one bite, it doesn't matter, I don't let it continue. Instead of beating myself up about it, I move on and start fresh with my next meal and try not to make excuses.
6. I always have protein in the house (bars, shakes, lean meats, low fat cheese, and non-cream based soups).
7. I weigh daily. I have too. I find if my weight is up 2-3 pounds, I need to reevaluate my last few days eating. I even start logging it again if I feel I have been really getting lax. (I still prefer an actual paper food diary, call me old fashioned) I didn't gain those 100 pounds overnight, it crept on a few pounds at a time. I have a certain number that I call my panic number and when I see it, I go back to shakes and bars for a few days to get back in control.
8. I try to get in some activity everyday. I may not hit the gym regularly but I will walk around the hospital on my lunch break, dance on the trampoline with my daughter for 15 minutes, do one of the 15 minute workouts on my favorite exercise video, etc.
9. When I feel down, I look through old photos of myself and go try on clothes from my closet. I am still amazed that I am the size that I am and I need to be reminded how far I have come by looking at the old sizes too.
10. I don't nibble. I don't have food that tempts me to nipple in the house. If I am at work and they have food that I know will tempt me in the break room, I don't even have one. I know it sounds harmless (how bad can one chip, cookie, cracker and some dip, etc. be?) but it is for me a slippery slope. If it stopped at just one, that would be fine but when you are only eating 1400-1600 calories a day and 2 crackers with dip can be 600+ calories (more than the calories in my whole lunch), it can get out of hand quickly.
But the most important rule of all....Celebrate your life and who you are at the size you are now. Don't wait till you are 15 pounds thinner or at goal. I deal with that rule every single day. It is harder than any of the others but I refuse to put my life on hold or have another bad day because of a number whether it is on my jeans or on my scale. Life is too short.
My Grandmother use to say, "If you believe you are beautiful and act beautiful then people will see you as beautiful." She also use to tell me not to "act ugly" when I was little which meant being mean or acting contrary. I think there is truth to that. If you feel good about yourself (I am not saying it is easy) and try to present a positive attitude, then I think it comes across to others and relays a sense of beauty. Beauty has nothing to do with a number and everything to do with how you feel inside.
1 comment:
Hi there
I just found your blog - and I loved reading through. I will bookmark you and read it in more depth suring the holidays. I myself have had a RNY Gastric Bypass in Nov 07 and have so far lost 150ish pounds. I still have about 6olbs to go, but have kind of lost my mojo.
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