learning to live in the moment

I remember when I was 18 and went to Egypt. I have very few photos of myself from that trip as I was ashamed of my weight and instead came home with tons of photos of landmarks and landscapes. Are those photos lovely, well, yes but I would love too be able to look at photos of myself in those landscapes. I would love to have photos of myself from high school to show my daughter. I have tons of photos of my friends, some that I actually still keep in touch with, but almost none of myself. I have two photos of my first adult trip to Las Vegas in which I am actually in them. I spent an obscene amount of money for clothing just for that trip because my then boyfriend (a man 15 years older than myself) wined and dined me the whole trip and I wanted to look good. I was the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life (this was after I had completed a 6 month liquid fast) and had a killer wardrobe yet I still thought I was going to loose 10 more pounds and look better so I didn't want photos taken of myself. I look at those two photos now and think I must have been blind! I was wearing a size 6 and I am 5'9". True, that is still considered hippo sizes by Hollywood starlet standards but I am not even a size six now after weight loss surgery!
I always swore that I wasn't going to be one of those people that let their weight hold them back from living the life that they wanted to live. I told myself that I wouldn't allow my size to become an excuse not to do things that might be a little uncomfortable because they might put me in the spotlight, be physically demanding, be challenging, or just plain be a little scary or new. I really believed that till I had this surgery and started to look back over my photos.
It seems I did do many things that were challenging and even adventurous, I just wasn't brave enough to allow myself to be photographed while doing them.
I was too busy worrying about how bad my weight would look to relax enough to allow myself to be comfortable in my own skin. I was always looking forward to the time when I would be thin enough to be on one of these trips and actually felt good enough about my appearance to be photographed. I'm not saying that I didn't have fun and enjoy myself, I did. I just don't have very many photos of myself to show it.
This is even true of my Honeymoon. I was so worried about how bad I looked in my swimsuits. I kept reading in all the Bridal Magazines about Bridal Anorexia. I secretly hoped it would affect me. It didn't.
I look back even at my childhood photos and realize that after age 12, I started to disappear from vacation and family gatherings. I know I was there but it's really hard to find any photographic evidence of it.
I realize only now that I was never living in the present. No matter how much fun or how exciting my adventures may have been, in my heart, I was always wishing I was thinner. I was never allowing myself to relax and just live in the moment and accept myself for who I was. I was letting my size affect me even at what were suppose to be the happiest times of my life. I wonder now what other things did I allow myself to miss out on because I was so preoccupied with my weight. Prior to having had this surgery, would have argued with anyone that would have told me that I had been allowing my weight to hold me back from doing anything. Now I know different.
Since realizing this, I am trying to change this but it is hard. I am so close to my goal weight yet I still find myself thinking things like, I will wait till I am at goal weight before I buy that outfit, I will wait till I have lost another 10 pounds before we take a family portrait, I will wait till I have firmed and toned more before we take any beach vacations, etc etc. I find myself doing it still after loosing over a 100 pounds! How sad is that.
I need to learn to live in the moment, accept myself for who I am right now. I need to love my body as it is this second,even if it isn't a size 6 body. I need to learn to enjoy life at my current size and stop putting off doing things till I am that mythical perfect size and weight where I feel good enough to be photographed enjoying myself. I need to realize that until I accept who I am today, right now, this minute, and love myself flaws and all...no weight or size will ever be good enough.