Death to the fat girl!

I discovered something about myself the last few weeks. I will always be the "fat girl" inside. She lays in wait deep in my psyche and when I least expect it, out she comes in all of her critical glory. She came out during my physical fitness exam when I had to climb over a 5 foot wall. "What are you doing?" she asked. "You look ridiculous. You are making a fool of yourself!", she practically yelled as I continued on. "You shouldn't even be attempting something like this! You are the fat girl! Fat girls don't climb 5 foot walls!" She was there again when I had to climb up the tube slide to retrieve Lilith. "You won't fit. You'll get stuck." and her all time favorite again, "You look ridiculous". I fit fine but it didn't matter. She was still there telling me how I shouldn't be attempting things like that. She is with me when I go shopping for clothes, "You aren't really going to try that on are you? You know it won't fit you and if it does, it will just look bad." But more insidiously she is there when I am weak, "Lets get some ice cream or a cookie." One won't hurt. You've been really good, you deserve a treat." She hates to exercise, "OMG! can't we stop already? I am too tired to do anymore." "Look, I see a cloud, it'll probably rain, you shouldn't take Lilith out in the rain just so you can walk, how selfish would that be?" "You don't r-e-a-l-l-y want to go to the gym do you? After all that mindless reality television show is on and I like to live vicariously through them instead of going out and doing those things myself, it's easier and safer that way."
It unnerves her when we walk by a mirror and she sees what we look like now. She still finds flaws though and points them out to me, that seems to make her feel better. Even after loosing 100+ pounds, she still tells me that I am fat. She compares me to other thinner women. She tells me that I could never look like them and shouldn't even try, after all, I am the fat girl. Fat girls don't look like that. She wants me to be quite and unassuming and not to draw attention to myself. Fat girls shouldn't be too visible after all. She gets uncomfortable when men are attracted to me. She tells me that they aren't r-e-a-l-l-y attracted to me, they are just being nice or making fun of me. It doesn't matter to her which it is just as long as she is sure that I know that no man can be attracted to me, this even includes my husband. She tells me I should feel guilty for spending so much on healthy foods and protein products when I could buy cheaper more processed carbohydrate, fat, and sugar laden foods like I use too. She says they were quicker and more convenient. She argues with me when I try to tell her that I see what that type of diet does to you, how unhealthy it is, how you are setting yourself up for disease when eating that way. She reminds me that it tastes good, that you ate that way for years and were okay. (if you call being miserable okay) Some days she never stops and some days she wins and I listen to her. Some days I look at my daughter and I vow to do what ever it takes so she doesn't develop a fat girl inside of her psyche. I remember reading once that compulsive eating and anorexia are very similar. "Crazy Talk",my fat girl said at the time, but I see now what they meant. It is about control. When you feel out of control in other areas of your life and you feel that you cannot do anything about it, you can always control your food intake. You can stuff or purge the anger. You can starve or feed the pain. You can tell yourself that you don't deserve to be thin or that you don't deserve to eat. You can tell yourself that you will never be good enough.
My fat girl WANTS me to match my outside to her inside again. She is my comfort zone. She is my internal critic. She is my self sabotage. I want to kill her!