They say not to neglect

Most of the pregnancy books and magazines talk about how stressful having a baby is and how much strain it puts on a marriage. Most importantly they say not to neglect your relationship. Here are a few fun activities I have found that you can do with your partner and a few tests to tell you if your relationship has been under strain.
http://www.marriage-and-family-guidance.com/marriage-success.html
1. we are becoming emotionally distant?
_we have difficulty just simply talking to each other
_we are staying emotionally in touch with each other less
_I feel taken for granted
_I feel my spouse doesn't know me right now
_my spouse is (or I am) emotionally disengaged
_we spend less time together
2. There is a spillover of nonmarital stresses (such as job or financial tension) into our marriage?
_we don't always help each other reduce daily stresses
_we don't talk about these stresses together
_we don't talk together about stress in a helpful manner
_my spouse doesn't listen with understanding about my stresses and worries
_my spouse takes job or other stresses out on me
_my spouse takes job or other stresses out on the children or others
3.our marriage is becoming nonromantic and passionless; the fire is dying?
_my spouse has stopped being verbally affectionate
_my spouse expresses love or admiration less frequently
_we rarely touch each other
_my spouse (or I ) have stopped feeling romantic
_we rarely cuddle
_we have few tender or passionate moments
4.we are having problems in our sex life?
_sex is less frequent
_I (or my spouse) gets less satisfaction from sex
_we have problems talking about sexual problems
_each of us wants different things sexually
_desire is less than it once was
_our lovemaking feels less loving
5.our marriage is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth or a child, a job loss, move, illness, or death of a loved one)?
_we have very different views on how to handle things
_this event has led my partner to be very distant
_this event has made us both very irritable
_this event has led to a lot of fighting
_ I'm worried about how this will all turn out
_ we are now taking very different positions
6. our marriage in not handling well a major issue about children (this category includes weather to have a child)?
_we have very different goals for our children
_we differ on what to discipline our children for
_we differ on how to discipline our children
_we have issues on how to be close to our kids
_we are not talking about these problems well
_there is much tension and anger about these differences
7.our marriage in not handling well a major issue or event concerning in-laws or another relative (s)?
_I feel unaccepted by my partner's family
_ I sometimes wonder which family my spouse is in
_ I feel unaccepted by my own family
_ there is tension between us about what might happen
_ this issue has generated a lot of irritability
_ I worry about how this will turn out
8.one of us is flirtatious outside the marriage, or may have had a recent affair, and /or there is jealousy?
_ this area is the source of a lot of hurt
_ this is an area that creates insecurity
_ I can't deal with the lies
_ it is hard to reestablish trust
_ there is a feeling of betrayal
_ it's hard to know how to heal over this
9.Unpleasant fights have occurred between us?
_ there are more fights now
_ fights seem to come out of nowhere
_ anger and irritability have crept into our marriage
_ we get into muddles where we are hurting each other
_ I don't feel very respected lately
_ I feel criticized
10.We have differences in our basic goals and values or desired lifestyle?
_ differences have arisen in life goals
_ differences have arisen about important beliefs
_ differences have arisen on leisure time interests
_ we seem to want different things out of life
_ we are growing in different directions
_ I don't much like who I am with my partner
11.very disturbing events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within our marriage?
_ there has been physical violence between us
_ there is a problem with alcohol or drugs
_ this is turning into a marriage I hadn't bargained for
_ our marriage "contract" is changing
_ I find some of what my partner wants upsetting or repulsive
_ I am now feeling somewhat disappointed by this marriage
12. we are not working well as a team?
_ we use to share more of the family's workload
_ we seem to be pulling in opposite directions
_ my spouse does not carry his or her weight financially
_ my spouse does not fairly share in housework or child care
_ I feel alone managing this family
_ my spouse is not very considerate
13.we are having trouble sharing power and influence?
_ I don't feel influential in decisions we make
_ my spouse has become more domineering
_ I have become more demanding
_ my spouse has become more passive
_ my spouse is "spacey", not a strong force in our marriage
_ I am starting to care a lot more about who is running things
14.We are having trouble handling financial issues well?
_ one of us doesn't bring in enough money
_ we have differences about how to spend money
_ we are stressed about finances
_ my spouse is financially more interested in self than in us
_ we are not united in managing our finances
_ there is not enough finacial planning
15.we are not having much fun together these days?
_ we don't seem to have much time for fun
_ we try but don't seem to enjoy our times together very much
_ we are too stressed for fun
_ work takes up all our time these days
_ our interests are so different, there are no fun things we like to do together
_ we plan fun things to do, but they never happen
16.we are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days?
_ we do not share the same beliefs
_ we do not agree about religious ideas and values
_ we differ about the specific church, mosque, or synagogue
_ we do not communicate well about spiritual issues
_ we have issues about spiritual growth and change
_ we have spiritual issues involving family or children
17.we are having conflict(s) about being a part of and building community together?
_ we feel differently about being involved with friends and other people or groups
_ we don't care to the same degree about the institutions that build community
_ we have different opinions about putting time into the into the institutions of community (political party, school, hospital, church, mosque, synagogue, agencies, clubs, and the like)?
_ we disagree about doing projects or working for charity
_ we disagree about doing other good deeds for others
_ we have different views about whether to take a leadership role in the service of our community
Scoring: for each of the seventeen general areas that cause you problems, count up the number of specific bones of contention that you've checked. If you have checked more than two, then this is an area of significant conflict in your marriage.

Imagine that your cruise ship just sank in the Caribbean, and you awaken to find yourselves on a tropical desert island. You and your spouse are the only survivors. One of you is injured. You have no idea where you are. You think there's some chance that people know of the ship's distress, but you are not sure. A storm appears to be on the way. You decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some time and also to make sure you'll be spotted by a rescue party. There is a bunch of stuff from the ship on the beach that could help you, but you can only carry ten items!
STEP 1; each of you writes down on a separate piece of paper what you consider the ten most important items to keep from the inventory list below, based on your survival plan. Then rank-order these items based on their importance to you. Give the most crucial item a 1., the next most crucial a 2., and so on. There are no right or wrong answers.
Ship's inventory
two changes of clothing
AM-FM and short wave radio receiver
ten gallons of water
pots and pans
matches
shovel
backpack
toilet paper
two tents
two sleeping bags
knife
small life raft, with sail
sunblock lotion
cookstove and lantern
long rope
two walkie-talkie sender-receiver units
freeze-dried food for seven days
one change of clothing
one fifth whiskey
flares
compass
regional aerial maps
gun with six bullets
fifty packages of condoms
first-aid kit with penicillin
oxygen tanks

STEP 2: share your list with your partner. Together come up with a consensus list of ten items. That means tailing it over and working as a team to solve the problem together. Both of you need to be influential in discussing the problem and in making the final decisions!
When you have finished, it's time to evaluate how the game went. You should both answer the questions below.
1. how effective do you think you were at influencing your spouse?
A. Not at all effective
b. Neither effective nor ineffective
c. Somewhat effective
d. Very effective
2. how effective was your spouse at influencing you?
a. Not at all effective
b. Neither effective nor ineffective
c. Somewhat effective
d. Very effective
3. did either of you try to dominate the other, or were you competitive with each other?
a. a lot
b. Somewhat
c. A little
d. Not at all
4. did you sulk or withdraw?
A. A lot
b. Somewhat
C. A little
d. Not at all
5. did your partner sulk or withdraw?
A. A lot
b. Somewhat
C. A little
C. Not at all
6. did you have fun?
A. Not at all
b. A little
C. Somewhat
d. A lot
7.did you work well as a team?
A. Not at all
b. A little
C. Somewhat
d. A great deal
8. how much irritability or anger did you feel?
A. A lot
b. Some
C. A little
d. None
9. how much irritability or anger did your partner feel?
A. A lot
b. Some
C. A little
d. None
10. did you both feel included?
A. Not at all
b. A little
C. A reasonable amount
d. A great deal
scoring! Give yourself one point for each "a" answer, two points for each "b" answer, three points for each "c" answer, and four points for each "d" answer. Tally your score.
If your final number is over 24, you are doing a good job of accepting each other's influence and working together as a team. If you scored 24 or below, your marriage needs further work in this area.

1.write a mission statement of what your mission in life is. Write your own obituary. What would you like it to say?
2.what goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your spouse, for your children? What do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
3. what is one life dream that you want to fulfill before you die?
4. we often fill our time with things that demand our immediate attention - putting out fires, so to speak. But what are the truly important things in your life that are great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
5. What is the role of spirituality in your lives? What was this role in your families growing up? How should this be in your family?


for each statement, circle whether you think it is a sign of complaint, criticism, or contempt.
1. I am upset that you didn't pay the gas bill.
complaint criticism contempt
2.how can I ever trust you?
complaint criticism contempt
3. you are totally irresponsible.
complaint criticism contempt
4. you stupid jerk!
complaint criticism contempt
5. I should have known you'd pull something like that.
complaint criticism contempt
6. you are just terrible with the kids.
complaint criticism contempt
7. when we don't go out together I feel like you take me for granted.
complaint criticism contempt
8. I wish that you would touch me more and be more affectionate.
complaint criticism contempt
9. don't interrupt!
complaint criticism contempt
10. you just never care about my feelings.
complaint criticism contempt
11. leave it to you and you screw up the vacation plans!
complaint criticism contempt
12. whose fault is it then?
complaint criticism contempt
13. don't tell me you didn't know any better.
complaint criticism contempt
14. I'm sick to death of your behavior.
complaint criticism contempt
15. have you got an attitude problem?
complaint criticism contempt
16. when you don't listen to me I feel unimportant.
complaint criticism contempt
17. I'm upset that you didn't clean up the dishes last night.
complaint criticism contempt
18. your just like your mother.
complaint criticism contempt
19. how can you hurt me like this?
complaint criticism contempt
answer key
1. Complaint 2. Criticism 3. Contempt 4. Contempt 5. Contempt
6. Criticism 7. Complaint 8. Complaint 9. Complaint 10. Criticism
11. Contempt 12. Criticism 13. Criticism 14. Criticism 15. Criticism
16. Complaint 17. Complaint 18. Contempt 19.criticism

answer "yes" or "no" for the following statements.
1. my spouse and I have very severe communication problems.
2. I have very little faith that we are going to be able to resolve our problems.
3. the problems we have run very deep.
4. things have gotten so complex that I'm not sure there is a solution.
5. each of our problems has caused us a great deal of pain.
6. I doubt whether we can reconcile our differences.
7. it's going to be very hard for us to ever forgive one another for some of the hurt we have suffered.
8. there is a great deal of intensity to out problems.
9. we stand very little chance of ever having really good times together.
10. there is very little respect in this relationship.
11. I am not sure that we love each other.
12. the are "wheels within wheels" to our problems- they are so difficult to solve.
13. I have a sense of despair about our future together.
14. sometimes I feel bitter about how things have gotten between us.
15. when it comes down to it, I am not sure I have very much hope.
scoring: If you answered "yes" to more than five questions, you have a very negative view of your marital difficulties.

step 1: each of you should take a piece of paper and a pen. Together, randomly decide on twenty numbers between 1 and 60. Write the numbers down in a column on the left hand side of your paper.
step 2: below is a list of numbered questions. Beginning with the top of your column, match the numbers you chose with the corresponding question. Each of you should ask your partner this question. If your spouse answers correctly (you be the judge), he or she receives the number of points indicated for that question, and you receive one point. If your spouse answers incorrectly, neither of you receives any points. The same rules apply when you answer. The winner is the person with the higher score after you've both answered all twenty questions.
1. name two of my closest friends (2)
2. what is my favorite musical group, composer, or instrument? (2)
3. what was I wearing when we first met? (2)
4. name one of my hobbies (3)
5. where was I born? (1)
6. what stresses am I facing right now? (4)
7. describe in detail what I did today, or yesterday (4)
8. when is my birthday(1)
9. what is the date of our anniversary? (1)
10. who is my favorite relative? (2)
11. what is my fondest unrealized dream? (5)
12. what is my favorite flower? (2)
13. what is one of my greatest fears or disaster scenarios? (3)
14. what is my favorite time of day for lovemaking? (3)
15. what makes me feel most competent? (4)
16. what turns me on sexually? (3)
17. what is my favorite meal? (2)
18. what is my favorite way to spend an evening? (2)
19. what is my favorite color? (1)
20. what personal improvements do I want to make in my life?(4)
21. what kind of present would I like best? (2)
22. what was one of my best childhood experiences? (2)
23. what was my favorite vacation? (2)
24. what is one of my favorite ways to be soothed? (4)
25. who is my greatest source of support (other than you)? (3)
26. what is my favorite sport? (2)
27. what do I most like to do with time off? (2)
28. what is one of my favorite weekend activities?(2)
29. what is my favorite getaway place? (3)
30. what is my favorite movie? (2)
31. what are some of the important events coming up in my life? How do I feel about them? (4)
32. what are some of my favorite ways to workout? (2)
33. who was my best friend in childhood? (3)
34. what is one of my favorite magazines?(2)
35. name one of my major rivals or "enemies"(3)
36. what would I consider to be my ideal job? (4)
37. what do I fear the most? (4)
38. who is my least favorite relative? (3)
39. what is my favorite holiday? (2)
40. what kinds of books do I most like to read? (3)
41. what is my favorite TV show? (2)
42. which side of the bed do I prefer? (2)
43. what am I most sad about? (4)
44. name one of my concerns or worries (4)
45. what medical problems do I worry about? (2)
46. what was my most embarrassing moment? (3)
47. what was my worst childhood experience?(3)
48. name two people that I most admire (4)
49. name my major rival or enemy (3)
50.of all of the people that we both know, who do I like the least? (3)
51. what is one of my favorite desserts? (2)
52. what is my social security number? (2)
53. name one of my favorite novels (2)
54. what is my favorite restaurant? (2)
55. what are two of my aspirations, hopes, wishes? (4)
56. do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (4)
57. what foods do I hate? (2)
58. what is my favorite animal? (2)
59. what is my favorite song?(2)
60. what sports team is my favorite? (2)