Saturday, May 19, 2007
2 months 55 pounds gone and some weird feelings
I was surprised when my primary care MD asked me about how I would feel about going on antidepressants at my DAUGHTERS 10 month appointment a few weeks ago. My Dr. is lovely and I am able to be honest with her so I said, "Antidepressants"? "I have just had the surgery that I have been trying to get for over 6 years and have lost over 50 pounds. Aren't I suppose to be REALLY happy right now? What is wrong with me?" she told me that any surgery is stressful and this surgery is especially stressful because you are having to change your whole life and you are loosing a friend...food. She also said that estrogen is stored in the fat and is released by the truck loads when you loose this much weight so quickly. I am still breastfeeding (but my milk supply is almost gone) so I decided against the antidepressants for another month or so till my daughter is a year then I plan to stop breastfeeding and if I still feel down..bring on the antidepressants.
It is all very confusing even with the explanation. I guess I built this whole experience up in my mind so much (even though I told myself that I wasn't)that it is sort of anticlimactic now that it is actually happening. I get compliments everyday, from my coworkers, store clerks, friends, neighbors, and my husband but I guess some how I thought it would "feel" different. Maybe having all of those strictures and vomiting so much from them in the beginning kind of soured this experience for me a little. I still worry that the stricture fairy will visit me again.
I still have a way to go even though Dr. Snyder says I will be at goal in 9 months. Hearing that actually made me feel very disconcerted. I replied, "Wow, really" but inside I had this strange feeling of pressure. I am afraid that I won't make it in 9 months and then I will feel like a failure. Silly I know but that is still what looms in my mind. I even went so far as to average it out and at 10 pounds a month..I will be at goal in the 9 month time frame. Even plans like Jenny Craig and Nutrisystem promise 2-3 pounds a week in weight loss and I am consuming much less than I ever did on either of those programs. I have been able to see the changes in myself, especially in my legs and face. Ironically the first place I noticed the weight loss was my feet. Yep, my shoes are super loose these days. Funny a benefit I didn't expect from this surgery!
My husband says it will get easier when he has the surgery. He has completed all but one of his preop required appointments. He is even has ended up with a cpap out of all of this. I had been telling him that he needed one for years. I do agree that it is hard to eat 2-4ounces when he is eating large portions. It is even harder when he has something that I can't eat at all. Like pizza, something we use to enjoy at least once a week. I will admit that I tried to eat just the meat toppings off a slice and was SSSSOOOO SICK! I am never going to look at ham the same way again. Another hard part has been that his BMI was almost too low to qualify so we have been trying to "fatten him up" for the last few weeks. That means he is eating ice cream and chips, etc that I can no longer have. I am hoping that he will get approved as easily with this insurance as I did. He is far sicker than I was but his BMI is much lower too. I also hope that his recovery goes much better than mine did but then he won't be taking care of and lifting a 20 pound baby all day like I was 4 days post op.
I feel guilty even posting this because it sounds like I am complaining. I don't mean for it to sound that way. I just wish I had been more prepared emotionally for all of this. It is like when I was pregnant and women would tell me, "Your whole life is about to change", I would stand and smile and think that I knew what they meant but only after Lilith was born did I REALLY understand. I think this surgery is like that. I read every book I could get my hands on and although some have gone into the emotional changes after surgery..I didn't really get it till now. I see lots of posts on www.obesityhelp.com that say similar things to what I am experiencing and that makes me feel better. It makes me realize that I am not the only one this is happening to.